Sunday, December 19, 2010

A dream about a dream

I know where it came from...and I don't often have very very vivid dreams...and wanted to write it down quickly before I forgot. I had only ever had a couple more similar to this...and the last one involved my mother (and I had forgotten it so quickly afterwards.)

This week, my brother mentioned that my dad would have turned 99 this week, had he still been living. (Yeah, I know what you're thinking...I'm not really that old, he continued having children even in his sixties.) So my dad has been on my mind. And this morning, I was really sleepy. I had gone to a party last night (engagement) and then a friend came home with me so I could change a ticket online for her son to return from where he's living (Marines) for Christmas. Needless to say, I was up kinda late, and tired.

This morning, my toddler gets up as usual between 6 and 6:30am. ...sigh. I get him comfortable watching tv when I sneak into bed (I can see him through the door and hall and can hear him as well.) I don't really go back to sleep, I just kinda 'rest.' After about 30 minutes, my kindergartener gets up and comes in to talk to me. I get up and down a few times too. I'm in that state of inbetween being awake and asleep.

But, I have this dream that comes and goes. My dad is in it and he's alive. He's walking around in my house, talking to my kids, and wearing what he usually wore (khaki pants, long sleeved shirt.) He looks and smells real. I am talking to him (he's telling me to get up (stay up) because the kids are throwing candy on the floor...they actually were as I can hear pieces of hard candy being tossed from the bowl, lol!) I am oblivious to the fact that this dream isn't real and it feels like it's real. Just normal conversation is taking place, nothing really stood out. At some point, my brother's comment comes to mind and I realize that he can't actually be in my kitchen AND be 99 years old and then it hits me that it's not really happening...it is a dream, and he is gone again. How dreadfully sad when I really wake up...because it felt like I lost him again. It's then that I realize that there was a difference between the way I *felt* with Dad in my life than now with him gone. And it was so obvious in that dream. I wish he were here...

2 comments:

Lisa said...

Oh Robin this made me teary eyed.
I LOVE those kind of dreams, they give us glimpses of what should be, yet when we awake it sometimes is such a dreadful disppointment when we find out it was just a dream.
Dreams are cool.

K- floortime lite mama said...

many many many hugs Robin

I am really touched by this post