Memorable Quote

For years, my mother-in-law had a quote taped to the mirror attached to the little table by her front door. It was probably something she cut out of her newspaper or Reader's Digest. It stayed there for years and every time I left her home, I grabbed my keys off of the table and looked up to read it.

The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.
-Denis Waitley


I remember thinking about it after my older daughter left for California after graduating high school. She stayed out there almost a year before returning home and starting college. I initially cried in my office at work a lot the first week or two because I missed her so much but I kept reminding myself that it was my job to help her become her own self and independent.

And when my younger daughter had peer pressure issues with her friends, I thought about what I could do to reinforce her being able to take responsibility of her actions and make the right choices.

I don't remember what happened to that quote. It disappeared before I moved my mother-in-law into her assisted living facility. Four years ago, when I later moved her things into storage, I searched around that area hoping that the little piece of paper simply dropped behind the table. I couldn't find it and over the next few years, I couldn't remember the exact wording of that quote. I went to visit my MIL this week and she slept for the two hours I was there. I just read a book and listened to her sleeping through lunch. I knew she didn't know I was there but I just wanted to 'be' there with her for a while. I guess I just missed her.

Fast forward to a few days ago, while talking to my brother, I learned that I could search the exact wording of something online by putting whatever I wanted to find inside of quotation marks. I'm probably the last person to find this out but I tried doing it to find my quote. I wanted to find the quote that connected me with my MIL...the subject that provided hours of conversation about our children and our parenting choices...something we had in common...and I just found it! Finally.

"I can't find me."

I hate hearing statements like that from my MIL, but they are so true, and there are days that she actually realizes it. Yesterday, after an exhausting cold and rainy afternoon wrangling two kids and taking her to a doctor's office (including a trip to a really small bathroom that her wheelchair barely fit in), she became agitated and eventually depressed. Most of the time, she doesn't seem to know she has such severe memory loss (due to her Alzheimers), but she seemed to definitely know it yesterday. At one point, while crying in the car on the way back to her ALF (assisted living facility), she said she just didn't feel right, "nothing feels right."

And, in that state of mind, she began asking where she lived, whether she had a home, whether she lived with anyone, and that she didn't want to be alone. And, upon entering the ALF, she didn't recognize it and started getting upset (similar to a young child upon being dropped off at the babysitter's house and not wanting to leave it's parent.) She was scared, upset, cold, wet, and tightly clutching the soft brown blanket I had wrapped her up in to stay dry. And then we turned the corner and she saw her door with her name on it (the letters J O that I put on there for her) and then her tears of being scared became tears of joy.

So, I left her. She, feeling so relieved to recognize her things again, hugged me and told me how much she loves me and how she has loved me for many years (and that I was her best friend.) I wish she knew that I was related to her and all the experiences we enjoyed together...but instead, I left her my blanket...it's replaceable.

Last Couple of Weeks...

...I've been really busy. Last week, my youngest and his pregnant wife visited us for the whole Thanksgiving week!! It was awesome as I had only met her once (at their wedding) and I enjoyed spending so much time with them. My other brothers came and hung out too and the whole family experience was wonderful!! I love turkey and our feast turned out pretty good! We also celebrated my preschooler's fifth birthday (in which he got a new John Deere bicycle.)

This week, I'm playing catch up.

1. MIL

I'm making sure my MIL (mother-in-law) is fine. She went to the ER again (had cellulitis and needed antibiotics for a wound on her leg.) I visited her yesterday and stayed about an hour and a half. She was in such a great mood!!! She kept saying how much she missed me and mentioning that it had been such a long time since she had seen me. I didn't let her know that I see her every other day practically and let her talk. I just went with the flow but noticed that she really didn't make a lot of sense. She's losing her words. While listening to the flow of conversation, she sounded fine but listening to each word, they didn't connect grammatically she couldn't remember a lot of her thoughts and filled the sentences with 'this and that' or 'you know what I mean.' She asked me where I lived at least 7 times and what I have been doing today at least 10 times. I just that last question with another thing I did:
washed clothes and did dishes
make brownies with pecans
played batman with the preschooler
went to the grocery store
went outside (what a beautiful day!)
vacuumed
gave the toddler a nap
It gave her another thing to think about each time I answered differently. She was aware and remembered that I put all the pictures on her walls (which happened last May) but unaware that I had four children (or who they were.) It's funny what the mind does with this disease. She mentioned how she tries to keep a memory but it just goes away (I knew what she meant but just gently changed the subject to something that would make her laugh.) There were painters (a couple guys) that were redoing walls in the building. She mentioned that fact at least 14 times ( I stared keeping track after a few times.) She said they were so nice....

2. Exercise

I'm returning to the gym (after a week of eating a lot and entertaining houseguests.) Today, I stayed a little longer and, even though my face was red and I was dripping sweat, I did a full hour on a new machine. What a challenge!! I was so proud of myself! If I continue this for many, many months, I may actually get toward a normal healthy weight! Patience and determination are my friends!

3. Christmas shopping

I have the opportunity to finish any shopping without kiddos for just a few more days before my husband goes back to work. Since it goes so much faster and smoother without them there, I need to doublecheck my list for what I haven't yet bought and unload my trunk of those hidden gifts. I just love this season.

Washateria woes,,,

After returning from my camping trip, I waited a couple days to visit my MIL as my little one had a runny nose and I didn't want to bring in any extra germs. Normally, she will soil her clothes, wait for them to dry and then hang them back up in her closet (where they'll 'contaminate' other clothes close by too.)

On this occasion, I see that someone has helped her out. Either that, or she hasn't been walking a lot and hasn't had the energy to put them back up. For her bathroom floor was covered in sheets, mattress pads, numerous pairs of pants, socks and underclothing. While I was happy that she hadn't placed them all back in her closet, it was nowhere near Friday (the day of the week where her facility washes the clothes.) Her bed sheets/pads were also wet and needed to be changed. That meant that I had to either use the facility's equipment and have it washing while I took her to her doctor appointment or just go buy another set. I chose the latter. I knew I wouldn't be in the mood to sit and wait after the ordeal of getting her in and out of the car. She is so afraid of falling. She's already gone to the hospital again after falling and hitting her head (since her last broken finger accident.) It's hard for her to remember what to do first when getting in or out of a car. I have to be a cheerleader of sorts. (First stand up, then swivel until your bottom is near the seat, then sit, then put your legs in.) I guess it is difficult when you can't really remember how to do it smoothly since it doesn't happen often and is stressful.

While gone taking her to the doctor, I stopped at a store and ran in to buy more sheets. After I returned, I changed her sheets and gathered many clothes to be washed. I tried not to gag. After filling four huge plastic garbage bags, I knew it'd take me a LONG time to do them at home and I didn't want to have that odor around that long. So, I decided to just go to the washateria instead.

I normally look forward to going to one (it's been a long time though.) I had forgotten about the convenience of those nice rolling baskets. I wish the lady who watched me move all those loads of clothes by hand (dropping some one the floor) would have reminded me of them when she first saw me doing that instead of when I had just finished. When I realized how easier I could have made the whole process, I gave her that 'duh, I feel stupid' look and laughed. Oh well. What a release of negative energy to laugh at something stupid I did...it made me stop whining to myself about what I was doing and get me back on track.

And I did...I went back and thought of all the nice things my mother-in-law did for me over the years. Since I lost my parents as a young adult, I often relied on her for important information, conversation and motherly advice. We didn't often have the same opinion on much, but I have her the respect and courtesy while listening. I wished I had written down many stories of her childhood and of her family growing up. I had heard them so many times over the years that I thought I'd never forget them. I had no idea that at some point, I'd never hear them again.

Some recent pics of MIL.




(and with her purple shoes.)

Noo-Noo

I visited my MIL yesterday at her assisted living facility. She was incredibly glad to see me. She's improved greatly since her fall and broken finger. We talked about her bruises, the rain and then I talked about what I've been doing at home. I can see the unsureness in here eyes because she doesn't relate to my stories but I continue on anyway knowing she needs the attention and conversation.

On the way out, I walk her to the dining room because it was dinner time. Actually, I pushed her on her walker (it has a spot where you can sit down.) She was trying to weasel out of going down there saying her hip hurt but I know she just didn't know that it was so close and that she could walk fine.

As everyone comes in, you can hear parts of conversation here and there. I knew someone had died because of the words out of context like "pneumonia" and "he lived a good long life."

As you walk into the open dining room, there are tables all over and the people usually sit in the same spot every time. The lady who sits behind my MIL is wheelchair bound and you can tell she has had a stroke. She can't use her left hand and her right side of her mouth doesn't move much. She always sits alone at a table for two and puts on a large bib to protect her clothing. She rolled over and asked if I were MILs daughter. I said yes (and said that I was her daughter-in-law.) She said her name was Noo-Noo and that she always tries to get MIL to eat more. She said MIL likes to sit and drink her coffee instead of eating. I laughed as I know she does that all the time too. By this time, MIL wanted to sit at Noo-Noo's table but was politely told no. Noo-Noo said that she saves that other chair for her daughter (who lives an hour away and will come to visit and sit there every other week or so.) I have never seen the daughter so I'm not sure if the timeframe is correct but it is nice that she keeps it unoccupied, just in case.

Then Noo-Noo explained that Mr. Ray had died that morning. He had been in the hospital with pneumonia and had quit eating (they put in a tube etc) and eventually died. She then pointed out where he normally sits and I knew exactly who it was.

He sat with his wife (who he shared a room with at that facility) and pushed her in her wheelchair all the time. We always passed him because their table was on the side of the room where we walk to get to MILs table. He normally would stop and talk to the boys and would hi-five them. I immediately pictured his cap (it had some military patches on it) and it saddened me that we would never get that opportunity to talk to him again. How really sad his wife must now be (as he took care of her there as well...now she'll be alone.)

Noo-Noo said...This is passing-away place. It makes me so sad. (I could see her tearing up.) And then she said, I gotta get out of here. ....I know she won't ever leave, not the way she wants to anyway.

And MIL is oblivious to the conversation taking place or what had happened. Because she tends to get sad and whiny when I leave, I let MIL know that I'd be back the day after tomorrow and that I had a surprise for her. She smiled big! I have a bright purple pair of house shoes for her (she loves that style and purple is her favorite color!)

I hate feeling like this!

It was a stressful day!

I needed to take my MIL to the doctor. I have been seeing her a lot this week.
On Saturday, I spent many hours at the hospital with her after she fell and broke her finger....and again later on for a second time after she removed her half cast and all the gauze/bandages. Two times is too many times to go to the hospital on any day. So...I've been checking on her. She has been really sore and hurt from the fall (which she doesn't remember, of course.)

Of course, she continues to take off the cast on the following days as well.

So, today, I break out her wheelchair and use it instead of having her use her walker (because she'd take a month of Sundays to get from one place to another, and in pain, and I wasn't feeling very patient...I didn't have a lot of time either.) Fortunately, I got my older daughter to watch the toddler so I only had one kid with me during this 'quality time' with MIL. I packed up the dvd player and crayons/activity stuff for the preschooler along with snacks too. I never considered bringing anything to keep the MIL occupied. I should have...she kept asking where we were (her doctor, or mine.) This is the doctor she has loved for many years...and she has forgotten who he was (or where we were, and, when some memories come in, they're confusing to her.) We decide just to tape her two fingers together rather than deal with any cast/bandage issues...the easier, the better.

I need to work on my communication skills with MIL (instead of any memories she can't possibly remember.) We talked about the clouds way too much! I brought a doll to her place a few weeks ago and it has really kept her company (she talks to it and sleeps with it as well.) It's hard to think of stuff to talk about when we're cooped up in a room waiting on the doctor for an hour.

Little things seem to be so much more complicated when dealing with loved ones with Alzheimers. For instance, my MIL gets frustrated with me when I tell her how to get in the car. She feels like I'm talking down to her, I think. But, then thirty seconds later, I observe that she tries to get in on her own and gets stuck with just her head in the car and can't figure out how to get seated. I have to get her head and upper body out to then explain that her bottom has to get in first. Eventually it all works out but somehow, it makes us both feel awkward.

All in all, the whole afternoon seemed stressful and frustrating. So.......I vented my anger to my older daughters afterwards. Feel a little bad about that too. I chastised my oldest for not following through with what she said she'd do at my house (in return to money loaned to her) and not visiting her grandmother. I told her she needed to just come visit me instead of running in for something or staying a few minutes and leaving. I remember my own mom saying something similar when I was young....but I then started spending hours on the weekend with each of our parents (or parents-in-law.) I just want to shake my daughter(s) and say...hurry - visit your grandma now or she'll never remember you again!

But...later on...I calmed down...I caught myself and the little boys singing to a song on the show they were watching. I try not to stay angry or frustrated for long...and I didn't. Tomorrow's another day, another day to improve and start over.

I spent nine hours in the ER yesterday with my mother-in-law. I thought she had a heart attack but, after many tests and an overnight stay as observation, it turned out that she had just sprained her muscle under her breast (and it was very tender.) She doesn't remember doing it, of course, or anything else of significance.

It takes a lot of patience to sit with someone with Alzheimers at a place out of their comfort zone for such a long time. And each time she asked the same question over and over and over again, I answered it like it was the first time I had heard it. There were four areas in this particular room and we were all divided by a curtain. The man behind us had apparently swallowed about 30 pills in an attempt to kill himself. His wife was there, and she was pretty quiet, probably wondering why, and what now? I was thinking they were probably getting tired of hearing our conversation over and over. I tried to think of interesting things to talk about (as the time seemed to drag on.) She knows that her memory is failing and now is forgetting some words (as opposed to memory) in sentences. She also now doesn't remember her marriage nor her late husband (they had been married 51 years.) But in it all, at one point, she said something memorable. In reference to things (as in material objects), she said "Things are not important......People....People are important." I know that's very true. She had many pretty things and many with long stories behind them. They mean nothing now. It's the people that matter. She then squeezed my hand and again thanked me for being there. I hope the man behind us heard that.

I went to MIL's apartment to get some clean clothes for her this morning (anticipating her being discharged) and spoke to a lady who asked about her. The lady had recently had eye surgery and now her arm was in a case. I asked about her arm. She went on to explain that she had broken it in four places when she tripped in her room. Since she has such brittle bones (due to her age,) she wasn't sure if it would heal in the cast (and may need surgery.) She talked on about how she wishes she had good health. I spoke up and said that my MIL has great health but can't remember anything. I think I'd rather have bad health and at least remember my life. She agreed as we both shook her head in unison.

Somehow, I found motivation to clean today! Mmmmm! I love the smell of a clean house! LOL! Obviously, it doesn't happen as often as it should. There are a few problem areas that I'm still trying to iron out. I feel so productive as I planned several goals and then followed through. Of course, I had to stop several times to play Wolverine and the X Men, to hold the toddler as his gums were hurting, and help the preschooler with puzzles. We took advantage of the quality time together while his brother was taking a nap (as puzzle pieces can become airborne or chewed up otherwise.) It could have been done much faster, but what fun is that? The preschooler insisted on helping in the kitchen mopping and later, the toddler insisted on helping to mop in the bathroom. Hopefully, I can keep that kind of help up, especially when they get to be teens, lol! It was a great day!

In addition, I even took my mother-in-law to lunch. I have never done that. She was the kind of lady who didn't eat out much and always had a reason to stay home or order out. Now that she can't remember much, she didn't know she didn't like to eat out. It was a little stressful...not because of her but because of the two kiddos I had with us. I ordered her food I knew she would enjoy. She ate slowly and we were finished long before she was. Perhaps it was because it was habit...that we rush through the meal before the kids lose interest and get loud. I ordered a bowl of ice cream for the kiddos to keep them entertained while she finished up. She was quiet most of the time but made a joke that she didn't get any ice cream. We all laughed. I realized a little later that she actually wanted some so I ordered some for her as well. Halfway through her ice cream, she asked why she was eating ice cream. LOL! I answered because she asked for it and it was really good. She agreed and finished it up. Yep, ice cream definitely brings out smiles and makes life good.

I often go see my mother-in-law in her apartment (at the assisted living facility.) I went today because I received a call that she bumped her head while falling early this morning and it was protocol to have her go to the hospital to get her checked out. Her head was fine. I called her before I went and she addressed me with my name and asked me to go visit her (and to bring the boys.) I had intended to so the toddler and I went and visited for a while.

I have pictures all over the walls for her. One thing I made for her has all of her kids names and pictures of her kids in order (vertically arranged on the wall.) One picture is of my husband (and the toddler) that is at a lever where it can be seen and touched by little ones. Of course, my toddler went up to it and was pointing to it, saying da-da. She didn't seem to notice. I hinted that the picture is of his dad (and said the name.) It was then that I realized that she didn't know who I was referring to. She read off all the names and then said she wasn't sure which picture was which (even though they were clearly arranged in such a way that it seemed obvious...and she used to know.)

So I asked the hundred million dollar question. I asked if she who I was related to (from the pictures on the wall.) In other words, who am I? Does she know anymore? And the answer, no.

I am a very kind person who will continue to visit her and bring little boys to visit and slather lotion on her hands, wash her clothes, keep her company and talk about the clouds in the sky. I changed the subject as to not make her feel like it mattered that she really didn't know. She mentioned earlier in the week when I visited that she saw me pass by and thought I was the Angel Gabriel and was so happy to see me. I took that as a compliment.

But as I walked out of the building toward my car, I noticed my eyes were a little wet. It's so sad to see so many memories fade away. I wish this wretched disease on nobody and wish there were a cure.

Here, take it, I had a good day! That's what I said to the man at the store who walked my cart full of groceries out to the car and unloaded them for me. All I had was a $5 dollar bill so I offered it to him. He said, no, that's too much. He was an older gentleman, probably in his sixties, and he let me know of a sale of soft drinks at another store (with a good deal on them as he noticed I had bought some.) It was a good day...my mother-in-law was happy and I was feeling like my shoulders were being unburdened. I insisted he take it and I wanted him to feel as happy as I was right then.

My mother-in-law can't remember whether all of her kids are alive at times or where she is...I bet living alone in her house was incredibly lonely and scary for her. She is happier now at this assisted living home and has people around her who are really nice to her. This afternoon, she had the hugest smile on her face when I went to see her. She's had a good day too.

With all the recent steps insuring my mother-in-law gets the best of care with what she can afford, I keep hearing over and over to invest in Long Term Care Insurance now, while I'm young. And you know what, I had no idea how much it cost to live somewhere like at an assisted-living facility. For instance, my mother-in-law does not have any Long Term Care Insurance therefore has to pay out of pocket if we want her to be in a place other than a nursing home (which would be paid by medicare because she doesn't have much money.) It costs around $4,000 dollars to share a room with someone else at an assisted living place here where we live.

I finally found one which has a studio apartment where she doesn't have to share (a big room where she can put a bed and a couple of chairs which is huge compared to the half rooms I have seen at other places.) Since she is a widow of a soldier who served during war time, she may be eligible for a little money from the VA but it's going to take up to 6 months for it to kick in. So, of what little money she does have, it'll go toward that assisted living until it's used up, then she'll go to a nursing home (hopefully in a couple of years or longer.) We may rent out her house to subsidize her when her money runs out but as it appears now, we'll be taking care of her taxes and house insurance out of our pocket. She'll still going to have a deficit of about $2,000 each month. How sad... I can't see putting her somewhere like in a nursing home where she shares half a room...there is no room for anything except a bed for each resident (and a tv stand maybe.)

She had 8 kids...5 are still alive and has grandkids and great grandkids. But for her illness, it is quite burdensome to whoever cares for her. I love her but can't do it. You have to really love someone to care for them in this situation. While I do, I don't have the time with two small kids and the work schedule of my husband. But, I'm doing the very next best thing. And, I'm going to be looking into this insurance...I don't want my kids or grandkids to be in my shoes right now.

Decisionmaking is so difficult when you have such big decisions to make. I have to decide what to do about caring for my elderly mother-in-law now. She isn't able to care for herself. She doesn't have enough income to afford an assisted living facility. She has been in the hospital several days and they've determined she can't live on her own and probably has early Alzheimer's. So, what to do.... I'm debating on the outcome...find someone to live with her at home, move in with her, have her move in with us (no, scratch that idea), rent her home out to have enough income to afford an assisted living facility (we'd still need to pay for some of it.) I have such big pits in my stomach with the thought of someone not being patient or mean to her (because, really, she's a pain...she can be a really mean person and is so set in her ways and grumpy.) I want to do the best for her and am spending a lot of time getting all my information in order to make the best one. For now, they're trying to find a nursing home for her (for low level physical therapy) so that we have time to make that final decision. Sigh....actually, it's almost a panic attack I feel at times because I'm so torn up on all of this. I've tried cleaning her home up a bit and have someone doing intensive cleaning tomorrow. I want her to be comfortable, but safe and when she's not taking her medication properly, losing her mail, forgetting important people and relationships from time to time, there's a problem. That I know...and I have to continue thinking that I'm doing the best for her.