Friday, December 18, 2009

"I can't find me."

I hate hearing statements like that from my MIL, but they are so true, and there are days that she actually realizes it. Yesterday, after an exhausting cold and rainy afternoon wrangling two kids and taking her to a doctor's office (including a trip to a really small bathroom that her wheelchair barely fit in), she became agitated and eventually depressed. Most of the time, she doesn't seem to know she has such severe memory loss (due to her Alzheimers), but she seemed to definitely know it yesterday. At one point, while crying in the car on the way back to her ALF (assisted living facility), she said she just didn't feel right, "nothing feels right."

And, in that state of mind, she began asking where she lived, whether she had a home, whether she lived with anyone, and that she didn't want to be alone. And, upon entering the ALF, she didn't recognize it and started getting upset (similar to a young child upon being dropped off at the babysitter's house and not wanting to leave it's parent.) She was scared, upset, cold, wet, and tightly clutching the soft brown blanket I had wrapped her up in to stay dry. And then we turned the corner and she saw her door with her name on it (the letters J O that I put on there for her) and then her tears of being scared became tears of joy.

So, I left her. She, feeling so relieved to recognize her things again, hugged me and told me how much she loves me and how she has loved me for many years (and that I was her best friend.) I wish she knew that I was related to her and all the experiences we enjoyed together...but instead, I left her my's replaceable.

1 comment:

Lisa said...

Oh Robin what a sweet beautiful post, you are such a wonderful duaghter-in-law!

You have made me weep with your sweetness to her and for her.